five – the not so happy anniversary

Saturday was my 5 year wedding anniversary….

but instead of celebrating it together we spent it apart.

We have been separated now for 5 weeks.

 

living in SEPARATE houses

sleeping in SEPARATE beds

eating SEPARATE meals

living SEPARATE lives

 

The sad reality of it is….

I don’t know where we are going….

I don’t know what is going to happen…

I DO know what went wrong…I know what we did to let our marriage slip away

BUT has too much damage been done? Have I been hurt too much? has he been hurt too much?

can we really FORGIVE and FORGET….

I am just not sure. These are just some of the questions that swirl though my head each day

Instead of celebrating 5 years of marriage.

we have spent the last 5 weeks apart

Our kids came into town this weekend for summer break and it broke my heart to not be there with them, to have them not quite understand why we were not a family. Why we were living in separate houses.

I never would have thought that I would be in this position AGAIN.

That I would be heading down this road, that I would be standing here in this spot

BROKEN HEARTED

If you would have asked me what my life would be like 5 years ago…I wouldn’t have EVER imagined this

but here I am

at a cross road in my life

Alone and scared and feeling really empty

not knowing what my future holds, doing all that I can to just take it day by day

{source}

Comments

  1. 1

    You are so brave to share this with all of us. And so strong, even though you may not feel it all the time, or right now. Life is such a crazy experience, isn’t it? I recently came home to PA after living in MT – for 2 reasons, my grandmothers, unexpected, tragic passing, and the fact that my bf and I, dating for 3 years, needed space. I also found out a job I had put a lot of time and effort into – had 4 interviews – did not choose me. I haven’t found full time work since I graduated from grad school this past November. Know that you are never alone. So many are fighting battles too, and hard ones. I hope you find comfort in knowing that there are people, all over, who care. Who may not understand everything, but who will listen and in this case, read your story, and send you positive vibes and good thoughts – and strength. I hope you’re getting back to ‘you’ – making sure you are happy, first. Doing things you love, whatever they may be. Wishing you all the best, and hoping the days get easier, that the love grows in unexpected places, and your hearts heal and forgive.

  2. 2

    I am so sorry to hear that Brittany! You are in my prayers though, because I can not imagine what you are going through. But I do know that with God, all things are possible, even what now seems impossible. I don’t know what your situation is, but I do believe all marriages are worth fighting for. So if you still want it, fight for it! Again, no disrespect for what your situation might be, because I do not know. But I thought I would share this post I read a while back http://wearethatfamily.com/2011/02/how-to-really-fight-for-your-marriage/

    Wishing you the best & sending hugs!!
    xoxo

  3. 3

    I am walking down the same path and it hurts. I did spend my 4 year anniversary with my husband because we hadn’t yet shared with my family the state of our crumbling marriage. We fought and he ended up back on the couch. We’ve tried counseling and seeking out help but the harsh realization that we have grown into two very different people is more obvious every day. With all this said, please know you are NOT alone. We have to make decisions in our lives that others may
    Not understand. Do what is best for YOU. It sounds selfish but I’ve always made my decisions for others and I am learning selfish is okay sometimes. All my prayers that your heart heals and hopefully you can forgive an forget. Love.

  4. 4
    Jennifer D. says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I just wanted to let you know that I do understand where you are and how you feel. My husband and I have been separated twice once at 4 years and again at 9 years. They were very hard times and I would not ever want to go through it again. However, as hard as each time was, I learned something about myself each time. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned to create my own sense of community that fit my needs. I hope that over time, you can also make some wonderful discoveries about yourself and that those discoveries will help you and your husband decide what is best for both of you in the long run. I know you feel so alone right now, but there are so many people who have been through what you are going through but are not willing to put it out there. Stay strong.

  5. 5
    Danyiel J says:

    Oh know, this is a rough one for sure. I am in no means in quite the same boat as you but my 5 year anniversary is approaching in September and even now I am wondering what that anniversary will look like. Things have been rough for a bit, not fighting and wanting to kill each other just growing apart and feeling like roommates. I have serious questions about marriage in general, the whole forever, til death do us part but we will see. My husband is leaving for a year for Bahrain with the Navy and even though we could have gone together we decided for me and our two kids to stay here in the states, not for a separation more out of safety and health concerns for our kids but nontheless we will be apart for a year. I’m wondering if this is coming at a time it is needed, a blessing in disguise, you know because they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe it will give me a kick in the pants and wake me to realize just all that I have with my husband. We will see.

  6. 6

    Brittany! I’m so sorry! I breaks my heart to read this… I can feel how sad you are are and want you to know how much I look up to you/your blog. you are
    a beautiful girl inside and out!! Sometimes life trows huge curveballs at us and makes you wonder why? I hope that you know that things happen for a reason {even if we can’t understand why}. I also hope that whatever you both decide in the end it will bring peace to your heart.
    I wish you the best!
    Xoxo
    Karina

  7. 7

    You are so strong and no matter what comes of this you will make it through. It took a lot of strength to write this I’m sure and I think you should know that at the end of the day you have so many readers who love you and wish nothing but the best for you. My heart broke reading this because I know its so hard to write openly about these things. I hope you find your happy even in the midst of all your sad.

  8. 8

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this and heartbroken. I’m sad that you are having to go through this again and make decisions that you don’t want to be making. It’s so difficult to write about these things that aren’t happy and are so life changing. I give you lots of credit for doing this and I hope in some way it helped you even if just for a brief moment. Things will get better and it’s just one day at a time right now. Lots of prayers and hugs. xoxo

  9. 9

    I’ve never commented before but I have been reading your blog for a long while now. I just wanted to say how very sorry I am that you are going through this! I know it must have been hard to share such personal information with “us”. You have such a wonderful following of readers who support you even though we hardly even “know” you! When things start to get a little too overwhelming, stop and take a few deep breathes and remember that everything WILL be alright. It might not seem like it now, and even if you do end up getting D, it will be alright. You have a great support system here…on YOUR amazing blog! Hang in there and I will be thinking of you and sending extra positive vibes your way! XoXo Marcie Lynn

  10. 10

    Thank you for sharing! It takes such courage to be this open and transparent! I can’t believe I am about to confess this, but maybe it will help. About a year ago, my husband and I had reached a horrible place in our marriage. It was as bad as it could get. I packed up my daughter and went to my parents. He escaped to his mom’s. Neither of us wanted to be in the house much less be together in the house anymore. I’ll spare you all of the details. It is safe to say that we had both hurt each other and had both become guilty of neglecting our marriage. We lost each other somewhere along the way. The only thing we still had in common was that we both wanted to be good parents. One common bond… I didn’t want divorce to become an option, so I called him…asking that if any part of him wanted to save our marriage, would he be willing to go to counseling. It has taken marriage counseling with our pastor, much forgiveness, prayer, and most especially time to begin to put the pieces back together. I haven’t been very open about it on my own blog. He and our marriage have just been left out of most things I post on. I admire you for having the courage to share your story. I opened up to you just now to give you a little hope that God truly can put back together what has been broken and lost. He has been doing that for my husband and me. We are slowly getting back what was lost…I think it will make us stronger in the end. I’m sending prayers your way…dear, brave Brittany. May you have God’s peace right now and his will in you marriage. Much love! Jennifer

  11. 11

    So sorry for this sad situation you are in :( Thinking of and praying for you!!

  12. 12

    I am so, so sorry to hear this news! I will be thinking and praying for you guys and hope everything works out for the best. Good luck!

  13. 13
    Lindsay Lee says:

    My heart breaks for you Brittany! That little quote about the girl and the cat is SO TRUE..its as complex, yet simple as going two different directions. What I would do to have you here with me…be my roomie, ANYTHING :) Please call me if you need anything. Just know that what is meant to be will be, and no one judges you or thinks different. You will find happiness! I love you!

  14. 14

    I am so sorry for you! I hope that you find calm and peace in this storm. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  15. 15

    I am so sorry. I kind of thought something was happening, based on your blog and IG posts. :(
    Having been married almost 12 years now, i can attest to the fact that marriage is hard-no doubt about that. And anyone who says its not is fooling themselves. It takes a lot of work. And 5-7 years, sadly, seems to be the determining point (for many I know).
    I have a friend going through it now, but they have 2 small children. And my only advice is to at least go to counseling- together and alone. Because even if you two decide not to repair it, you need to know how not to go down this path again with someone else. You need to learn all you can about yourselves.
    Hugs to you. May you find the happiness and peace you are looking for.

  16. 16

    i’m so sorry to hear that. i hope that you find your way to whatever the right outcome is.

  17. 17

    I’m so so sorry!! I hope that you fight for what’s best for you and your happiness and that you come out stronger and happier, no matter what the final outcome. Please know that there are so many of us who support you, and that you will get through this difficult time.

  18. 18

    Darling, I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I choked up just reading this and felt my heart sink for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and that I am praying for the very best solution for all. There is no easy path, no easy solution, just time, prayer, and slow rebuilding from where you currently are… *virtual bear hugs*

  19. 19

    Wow, Britt… I’m so sorry! Marriage is SO HARD. SO SO SO SO SO incredibly hard!! If Shaun and I didn’t have kids, we definitely would not have lasted through most of our trials. I wish there was something I could do or say to help. Just know that we all love you, and are hoping and praying for the best. You are such a strong, beautiful girl! Love you!

  20. 20

    Ah Brittany, I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what a difficult time. I hope you are taking care of yourself and find peace in whatever you and your husband decide to do. Hugs. xoxo

  21. 21

    Like everyone else, I can not tell you how sorry I am. My hubby and I are coming up on 5 years of marriage and to be honest I didn’t know if we would ever get this far. Things got really tough and they are still not 100% but we are working through it. I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever happens.

  22. 22

    Oh no, I am so so sorry! I PRAY that everything works out for the best. {HUGS!}

  23. 23

    I am so sorry for your current situation. Marriage isn’t easy & media makes it looks like it’s easy & a life filled with roses & kisses….WRONG! November will be my 15th wedding anniversary & together we have made it this far. Forgiveness has been freely offered, constant communication & honesty throughout! We were raised in christian homes & both sets of parents are married but not without struggles & ugliness! We could choose to repeat their habits we grew to know or change & break the cycle. We have chosen to break the cycle of our parents & change things. It’s not easy! And at times it’s not pretty, but we are making it. We have 2 boys, 12 & 10 & we are living life on purpose & trying with all our might & the help of God to show them a loving home!

    Praying for you sweet friend!
    Katy

  24. 24

    I had absolutely no idea this was going on. It is so weird, you never know what people are going through. Thank you for your bravery. It inspires me!

  25. 25

    Just said a prayer for you and your husband.

  26. 26

    Brittany,
    I’m not sure you will remember me but I emailed you last summer asking for your advice because I had read your post about your first marriage and your growth there after. As you know, my husband of two and a half years were in a state of transition and unfortunately our marriage suffered because of it. You emailed me words of advice, strength, and most of all, you made me realize that I was never alone. And that was what I needed the most. What I experienced last summer was a curveball – a test to see how strong I was. How strong we were, as individuals and as a couple. Your email meant so much to me. I want you to remember that life is messy, its hard, and often times we don’t know why. But just remember how strong you are. Remember your experiences and the strength you once had. Remember to have faith that everything will turn our the way it’s supposed to. And remember that you can’t love another until you love yourself.

  27. 27

    Oh dear, I have been where you are as have so many women, Sometimes you don’t have to make a decision at all sometimes as time goes on the decision becomes so clear. there is no way around it, you just have to go through it….It stinks, wish you the best!

    Carol

  28. 28

    I’m so sorry to hear this. Know that I’ll (as are so many) be praying for you and your husband. Hugs friend.

  29. 29

    So sorry for all that you are going through. I know separation/divorce is hard, I’ve been through one myself. :( I’m praying for you and your family. :)

  30. 30

    I am truly so sorry for you Britt. I wish there was something I could do. It’s got to be so hard. I’d love to go to lunch or just get together to take your mind off things.

    We all love you and are thinking about you and hope things will work out for the best.

  31. 31

    Praying for you! I hope you fight for what makes you happy, whichever road you choose!

  32. 32

    Brittany, my heart is breaking for you!! Please know that you’re in my prayers and I’m thinking of you!!

    Lots of love!

  33. 33

    Brittany, I am so sorry to hear this. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. Just know that you have friends {even some you’ve never actually met} thinking of you and praying for you.

  34. 34

    Britt,

    this sucks. i’m so sorry. keep your chin up. it’s worth fighting for.

  35. 35

    Thinking of you and sending big hugs!! xoxo

  36. 36

    I’m so sorry to hear this, but I commend your bravery for sharing! Especially in the blog world where people want to believe everything is perfect and okay in life. This is reality and I pray you two will find the strength to work through it and be an encouragement to others, as I believe you already have. We certainly don’t help each other by pretending everything is easy ;) Marriage is not! My exortation would be to forget all the ideas of what HE could do to fix things (and I’m sure there is a lot), but instead only focus on what you can do. And do the right thing regardless of whether it “works.” He may not respond, but at the end of the day you will be proud when you can honestly say you did the right thing.

  37. 37
    Nancy B says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this! I have been there and I know how hard it is. My husband and I were separarted for almost 2 years. He moved out the day before our 2nd child was born. I was hurt, scared, and had no idea how I would survive with 2 children under 2 and no job. But I survived it, I forgave, He forgave, and we decided to work things out. The first year back together was really hard. We weren’t the same people we had been. We realized when we focused on serving God and fixing ourselves, not the other person things started to get better. Over time, slowly, but they got better. We celebrated our 12 year anniversary last Sunday. We have the best marriage now. I pray that you will find away to work things out. That god would heal your marriage and mend your broken heart. You and your family are in my prayers.

  38. 38

    Brittany!! I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. Just know you have a friend in AZ who thinking about you and praying for you today :) xoxoxo.

  39. 39

    I came home from a work to NY (live in NOVA area) only to find the house empty. Dog, wife, kids, gone. I called my wife and she said she had opted to drive back to new mexico with the kids. She said I had been abusive (verbal) and she needed a break. I am now in limbo. I don’t understand any of it. I am going to counseling, doing anything I can to get my wife back. But it seems the more I try the farther away she pushes. I have an empty house, toys (5year old boy) that instead of joy bring me pain. I have visited them, and will do so again for thanksgiving. I really sit and try to see what reasons I have to go on without her and my family. I thought I was a good husband, but was wrong.

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