Yup, that was me.
21 and divorced.
That was a crazy time in my life.
I moved out of the house 1 day past my 18th birthday to head to Utah for School, my high school “sweet heart” stayed behind.
1 year later he followed in my footsteps and moved to Utah to be closer to me.
8 months later, at the young age of 19, I was engaged
1 year later I was married at 20 years old – the whole shebang – a large wedding just like I always dreamed
and a whole 9 months later – I was DIVORCED at 21.
I wish I could pin point exactly what went wrong, but I know deep down it was never the right thing to do. We got swept up into the idea of being “Married”, sure we loved each other, but I don’t believe we got married solely for those reasons.
I remember walking down the aisle with my dad by my side, both of us with tears in our eyes
only my tears were for fear…I knew right then it wasn’t right
what do you do? turn and be one of those “run away brides” or put an effort in and hope for the best
I kept walking and hoped for the best.
It was ME, I was the one to say…THIS IS IT. We need to part ways. I know deep down he knew it was the right thing to do, and best for both of us, but it was still ME the one to “break us apart”. It was a hard decision to make.
It was a hard time in my life. Looking back probably even harder than I imagined it would have been.
Not only was I only 21 years old, recently Divorced, living in a different state than my family. But, I was ALONE for the first time in my WHOLE 21 years of life.
in high school you have your family, in college you have room mates, but DIVORCED…you get yourself. ALL ALONE IN AN EMPTY QUITE HOME.
I didn’t know who I was…I couldn’t figure out who ME was. It took a lot of trial and error to become the person I have today.
I clung to my friends, I did whatever it was they were doing to try to “fit in”. drinking, smoking, partying, staying up late….that wasn’t me
I tried retail therapy, and as much fun as that was to shop til I dropped every weekend that only left me with large credit cards bills at the end of each month which DIDN’T help me to feel better…that wasn’t me
I tried having an eating disorder, maybe if I was really skinny I would feel better…uumm ya I like to eat too much for that – it didn’t work and I only ended up gaining weight – that wasn’t me
SO WHO WAS I? how do I find myself, how do I figure out how to be 21 and DIVORCED?
Sometimes I wonder if I really have ever truly found myself….
I was only alone and trying to be me for 3 months before I met my current husband. We moved fast…just a few months after dating we moved in together. So I guess I still really haven’t been totally on my own. I think it is a daily struggle to truly find who we are. I have a better idea of it now, but still think about it from time to time.
what if I did THIS…. would things be different? What if I would have done THAT…would things be different?
I guess we will truly never know…..and I can only hope that the decision I have made good and bad will only make me a stronger person now and in the future.
But deep down I am still that girl that was divorced at 21.